It’s Not Me, It’s Definitely You: Why Every Relationship Starts With… YOU

"It’s Not Me, It’s Definitely YOU"

By Ali, Definitely Not a Relationship Counsellor

As the founder of Not So Different, I get asked a lot of interesting questions, but one that keeps popping up is, “Ali, are you a relationship counsellor?”

Now, unless talking to my dog about his commitment issues with the postman qualifies me as one, then no. But, if we’re talking about how people connect, communicate, and collide (sometimes dramatically) in life, love, work, or the queue at Tesco… well, then maybe I am a kind of relationship whisperer.

Here’s the secret I always come back to: every relationship starts with YOU. Yes, you. The person reading this right now. Not your boss. Not your mother-in-law. Not that one friend who thinks group chats are therapy sessions. Just you.

Think about it.

• YOU meet someone.

• YOU are introduced to something new.

• YOU need to ask for help.

• YOU need to pass on information (or passive-aggressive notes on the fridge).

• YOU choose to respond, react, or run away like you're in a low-budget rom-com.

The Common Denominator? It’s You, Darling.

Whether the interaction is with another person, a system, a song that stirs memories (or trauma), your relationship with it starts with how you see yourself.

At Not So Different, we work with wonderfully diverse minds. And no matter how unique the brain, one truth remains universal: if you don’t understand or value yourself, your interactions with others will reflect that. It’s like trying to FaceTime someone with the camera pointing up your nose—you’re not giving them your best angle, are you?

Cue the Inner Monologue

Imagine your inner voice as the DJ of your life. If it's stuck playing "I'm not good enough" on repeat, you're not exactly going to vibe with people confidently. But if the tune is more like "I’m doing my best, and that’s brilliant"—suddenly your relationships start looking less like awkward small talk and more like meaningful connections.

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being aware. And honest. And maybe knowing when to mute the self-doubt playlist and hit shuffle.

So What’s the Point, Ali?

The point is this: The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you’ll ever have.

• Want better friends? Be a better friend to yourself.

• Want more understanding from others? Start by understanding yourself.

• Want fewer awkward encounters in the lift? (Okay, can’t help with that one.)

When we help both neuro-typical and neurodivergent individuals at NSD, we don’t just teach communication skills or job-readiness—we help them see themselves differently. As capable. As creative. As people with something to offer. Because when you own who you are, the way you engage with the world transforms.

So no, I’m not a relationship counsellor. But maybe I’m a bit of a you counsellor.

Because until you understand you, every interaction is just guesswork.

And if that isn’t the most honest, slightly cheeky relationship advice you’ve ever been given—I don’t know what is.

Different minds. Shared humanity. It starts with YOU.